Hitting a rough spot on the road. I am falling back into the dark place where i do not want to be. I am an emotional bomb ready to go off at any moment and i hate that. I can't seem to control my raw emotions, i don't have a hold of my thoughts. Everything is mushing together making loose my damn mind. I feel like i'm drowning in my own thoughts and emotions, no one to throw me a line to help me get out. More like i am being pushed down made to drown......I want to focus on something else but its too much at this moment i cannot maintain my focus, cannot stay positive. I hate being tested in this manner. Wish there was an off switch wish things were simple. IT NEVER IS.....i hate struggling :'-(

So much has happened and feels like i'm left behind. I don't think i am coping with things the way that i should. I know i'm trying to have the upper hand on the game. And i feel like i do but sometimes things get a bit weird and i'm wondering what happened. I'm not letting myself over think things and that's good because that leads to dark places LOL. I just want to live each day as best as i can. I don't have a care in the world about what happens next, i'm not worrying about it. I am just letting it come its way and I will deal with it when it comes. Guess I just want to focus on me, on whats best for me. No one has good intentions as far as i concerned. Don't let them get in my way, i have a goal to accomplish and set. I'm on my way can't let it get out of focus. That's the objective. 

Only a few months left......few more weeks, several more days.......

ramble

I have been trying to get on here and vent off a bit but seems I never get the chance to do so. There are so many things that have been going through my mind I don't know where to start. I guess I'll just start somewhere and bounce around like I usually tend to do. Lately I've been wanting to spend time with someone just chill you know not really do anything but have company. Maybe hold hands, mess around, some kissing hahaha. Yeah I'm missing that. It sucks to be like this. Sometimes I think  that I need to make more friends but its not really me. I don't really stay on top of that. I don't even know if i'm doing it right. I don't call my friends let alone see them. Is that normal? I never been the close type of person. More like they need someone to talk to, vent off, someone that will listen. And i am there. But that's bout it. I am not gonna bitch bout my problems kus its ridiculous and lets face it no one gives a flying fuck bout it. So i won't be saying anything. That also has its cons. It makes me feel more sensitive to shit i can't hold myself together and i break a little. Im am so screwed up i have no fixing. I don't know how to fix myself. No one is going to fix me so i gotta find the way to do so but i just don't have a dam clue. My only way is to come on here and just type it out. I think in a way it helps me because i'm getting out of me and not holding it in.

AHHHHHH life is so insane i don't know if i was meant to be here. I don't feel like i belong. I have no idea what i want anymore, what is my thing? what am i good at? im just a lost soul. Nuts for sure, i honestly don't think i am sane hahaha. I guess i expect a lot from everyone, from the world, and i get short changed. I am always disappointed with the outcome i just feel like i am loosing hope. I am just not good enough to be here or for anyone for that matter.

Whats the point? The purpose?
guide me, let me see the light..........

2012 part 2

I am pretty lost in mind right now. How can so much stuff just flow in my head like that geez. Well its been a few weeks now and things are well like usual. I still think I can do something, what? Don't know yet but at least I am in wanting to. That has to count right? Well aside the crazy ass things in my head i have been crocheting like a mad woman, my wrist is in a bit of pain. I wake up and crochet, I got to sleep and I crochet. hahahaha No more ugly yarn though so yeah I have stopped I just hope that I can sell them at the flea. Fingers crossed. I want to do some with nicer yarn though but yeah i need the money first hehe. I don't know what else i can do to keep me busy. BLAH. Staying home isn't as fun as you'd think when you are here so damn long it makes you go a little insane.....por dios.... ayudame de esta

2012

Well let me see here its been a whole year since i last posted anything. 2011 was a crazy year i went through a lot of things and i did a lot of new things i always said i never would do and yet i did anyhow. Funny how life is isn't it? Well its 2012 and again starting the year a little rocky. I am trying not to get ahead of myself and to keep things under control. I started the year making a really really hard decision but in the end i think that was the best thing that i could do not only for myself but over all. Actually let me rephrase that i made 2 big decisions. I am in the process of making another big decision, im all for it but i have to wait a little bit more to actually come to terms with it. If this decision does come out well i am going to say that this will be an interesting year for the most of it. Im actually really excited about this. I hope i don't get cold feet and chicken out. Fingers crossed and hope for the best.

XOXO
to a new year 2012
D.