I don't know if doing this will help me or what but its worth a try. I've been isolated once again and something that I have learned in the past is that typing it out helps get it out of me. Specially when there isn't someone to talk to. So yeah, I am feeling pretty lonely right now. Funny thing is that when I am when someone I don't talk much. I don't know what the reason for that is. Sometimes I even wonder if the other person gets bored of me. I like the silence. It is something that I know very well and I am very used to it. Of course not everyone is a fan of that. They may feel that it is a bad sign lol not me, unless I know you are a talker and you are silent. Then yes I would see that as a bad sign.

Ahhh I am rambling....In a few more weeks I will start my training for a new job. I am quite excited about that. I see it as an opportunity for  me to grow. I am looking into getting my own place. I am in need of my own space, privacy, some sanity and some silence. This will be a big step for me to take. On my own....I am quite excited for that too.

A new chapter to my life will soon begin. A new journey. What will await for me?

Memories

Reading back through some of the post of made I see that I am still that scared little girl. I have not evolved much from that state of being. The situations may have changed but the pain and hurt I have is one I have been struggling for the longest time now.

There is no way to cure this. Each and every day is different, I try not to focus on those thoughts to not head towards the dark place. It is my demon. One that will haunt me for the rest of my days. I get choked up just trying to think of it. I know I don't have to solution. I know that its a fight I have to deal with every single day. I do my best. I somehow survive it till the next episode comes along.

I hope that some day I can get more help with this kind of struggle. Professional help that is.....

Aside that struggle, I have come a long way from wanting to be where I want to be. I have worked hard and now I am moving up to something more in the field that I am more comfortable in. That makes me happy. I have to stop myself from thinking of the future and stay in the present. I've learned that trying to get ahead of myself is never a good thing and I let myself down. It is better that I live day by day and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow and not today. As much as I would love to live in the future I can not. I don't know what the future will hold for me. I can not expect it to be a certain way, I have to just wait till I get there. :) As long as it is not in a dark place I should be good.

Sometimes it is hard to stand up straight with your shoulders held back and head held high. It takes a lot of strength and courage to keep yourself on a positive note, to keep fighting for what you believe, for what you want. If you don’t do it for yourself who will?

I dislike being at the bottom of the sea. It’s a dark and cold place to be where no one should be, but when things the way they are right now its kind off hard not to be. I am close to getting in to school that is my main priority but on the other hand I am stressing on my stupid work permit. I just can’t stand the waiting any longer. I want to get going start working start saving and get the heck out of the crazy place. I need to work a lot on myself and being on my own will so help me out a lot. But just like anything I need to start off somewhere and baby steps. That very first one I took, I submitted my application to get my EAD next step is to await it……The step that sucks the most. Like I haven’t done enough waiting already! I am not setting my goals to high on the job search I know that, I need to stick to the basics, like I said baby steps. Ahhhh I don’t like waiting!!!!!!

Hitting a rough spot on the road. I am falling back into the dark place where i do not want to be. I am an emotional bomb ready to go off at any moment and i hate that. I can't seem to control my raw emotions, i don't have a hold of my thoughts. Everything is mushing together making loose my damn mind. I feel like i'm drowning in my own thoughts and emotions, no one to throw me a line to help me get out. More like i am being pushed down made to drown......I want to focus on something else but its too much at this moment i cannot maintain my focus, cannot stay positive. I hate being tested in this manner. Wish there was an off switch wish things were simple. IT NEVER IS.....i hate struggling :'-(

So much has happened and feels like i'm left behind. I don't think i am coping with things the way that i should. I know i'm trying to have the upper hand on the game. And i feel like i do but sometimes things get a bit weird and i'm wondering what happened. I'm not letting myself over think things and that's good because that leads to dark places LOL. I just want to live each day as best as i can. I don't have a care in the world about what happens next, i'm not worrying about it. I am just letting it come its way and I will deal with it when it comes. Guess I just want to focus on me, on whats best for me. No one has good intentions as far as i concerned. Don't let them get in my way, i have a goal to accomplish and set. I'm on my way can't let it get out of focus. That's the objective. 

Only a few months left......few more weeks, several more days.......

ramble

I have been trying to get on here and vent off a bit but seems I never get the chance to do so. There are so many things that have been going through my mind I don't know where to start. I guess I'll just start somewhere and bounce around like I usually tend to do. Lately I've been wanting to spend time with someone just chill you know not really do anything but have company. Maybe hold hands, mess around, some kissing hahaha. Yeah I'm missing that. It sucks to be like this. Sometimes I think  that I need to make more friends but its not really me. I don't really stay on top of that. I don't even know if i'm doing it right. I don't call my friends let alone see them. Is that normal? I never been the close type of person. More like they need someone to talk to, vent off, someone that will listen. And i am there. But that's bout it. I am not gonna bitch bout my problems kus its ridiculous and lets face it no one gives a flying fuck bout it. So i won't be saying anything. That also has its cons. It makes me feel more sensitive to shit i can't hold myself together and i break a little. Im am so screwed up i have no fixing. I don't know how to fix myself. No one is going to fix me so i gotta find the way to do so but i just don't have a dam clue. My only way is to come on here and just type it out. I think in a way it helps me because i'm getting out of me and not holding it in.

AHHHHHH life is so insane i don't know if i was meant to be here. I don't feel like i belong. I have no idea what i want anymore, what is my thing? what am i good at? im just a lost soul. Nuts for sure, i honestly don't think i am sane hahaha. I guess i expect a lot from everyone, from the world, and i get short changed. I am always disappointed with the outcome i just feel like i am loosing hope. I am just not good enough to be here or for anyone for that matter.

Whats the point? The purpose?
guide me, let me see the light..........

2012 part 2

I am pretty lost in mind right now. How can so much stuff just flow in my head like that geez. Well its been a few weeks now and things are well like usual. I still think I can do something, what? Don't know yet but at least I am in wanting to. That has to count right? Well aside the crazy ass things in my head i have been crocheting like a mad woman, my wrist is in a bit of pain. I wake up and crochet, I got to sleep and I crochet. hahahaha No more ugly yarn though so yeah I have stopped I just hope that I can sell them at the flea. Fingers crossed. I want to do some with nicer yarn though but yeah i need the money first hehe. I don't know what else i can do to keep me busy. BLAH. Staying home isn't as fun as you'd think when you are here so damn long it makes you go a little insane.....por dios.... ayudame de esta